Walls Part Two

I apologise for the non-existent post last week, but things just weren’t happening. Today however, they are. As the post title probably gives away, this is a continuation  of my post from two weeks ago. Also, this is quite depressing, even for me. Be warned.

It was cruel of him, and he knew it.

Tom stared at the screen in front of him as Aleks’ thoughts and feelings came flooding through the odd, new contraption of the internet. He’d always thought that new technology would lead to evil, and finally he’d been proved right. There was no Pink Fey therapist waiting on the other end of the line. It was a shitty fake website that he’d made in about two seconds for exactly this purpose.

He glanced around the Costa guiltily, feeling as if everyone was watching him doing wrong. He’d only just earned Aleks’ trust — it had taken the tending of various serious wounds to do it, but he’d got there — and now he was throwing all of that away just because he was impatient to get his friend better?

He shook his head. This was wrong. Cruel. Evil. And if Aleks ever found out…

He took a deep breath, ignoring all his worries as he stared at the screen, trying to make sense out of Aleks’ crying-jag-fueled ramblings.

I don’t know how helpful this is gonna be, but.. um… hi.  I can’t feel things.

I.. not like that. I don’t mean it like that. I just mean that — I don’t know why he is making me do this, I’ve written all of this in my diary (I don’t mean he’s making me do this, of course not, he told me it was my choice) — I feel like there’s a wall between me and my feelings. I put it up a while ago. Someone really important to me … well, something bad happened under terrible circumstances, and it was awful and I couldn’t stand it and I found myself building this wall to keep my feelings away. Or was it the drugs that built the wall? I can’t remember but I know that there’s a wall and it’s falling down now and at first I thought maybe that was a good thing but after all of the things that I’ve done and that have happened I don’t know that getting my emotions back is a good thing. I don’t know that it’s going to go well or if I’m going to… it hurts. So much. And this kind of thing is a lot easier to write in my diary than to say, even to a stranger. I don’t know how to put it into words to be honest with you. I feel trapped sometimes, but then other times I feel like I need protecting. Restless and lethargic. Sad and… ridiculously happy. He makes me smile and laugh and it makes me feel even more broken inside. It makes me miss… the person that… horrible things happened to. It makes me feel guilty for being able to laugh. It makes the voice in my head say mean things.

Tom stopped reading there. He didn’t think Aleks had ever told him about this, about a voice telling him what to do. He would have been a lot more worried if he’d already known about this. He cursed the estrangement that had seemed to occur between his friend and his niece. Annie could have helped him if they would talk to each other. Perhaps it was Tom telling Aleks about his link to Annie and her brother that had done it. He’d not painted the nicest picture of either of the siblings — partially to shake the worship-like love that his friend held for Rath, but partially because he was bitter about what they had done to their mother. Either way, he couldn’t have made any of this more of his own damned fault if he’d been Aleks’ disgusting father, or his Maker, or Rath himself.

At least if he was Rath, he wouldn’t have to see the aftermath of what he’d done.

He sighed and carried on reading.

Well, it seems I’ve started writing a serial thing. With lots of spoilers for the few snippets of novels I’ve written for this. Grand. Next week will hopefully be back to relatively normal scheduling — as for this, expect the next episode every fortnight, because why not?

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