Originally posted on Tumblr but reposted here for archiving. Please note that my views and experiences may have changed since this was written.
[cw: discussions of sex]
I’ve seen (and reblogged, in case you get interested) loads of stuff about aversion/repulsion and all that sort of thing, so I thought I’d put my two pennies in the pot. Which is an idiom no one heard ever.
If someone asked, I’d say I was sex-averse. But with everything else in this world, we’re all different. And so I don’t quite fit in that box.Sex is gross. I think the many people would agree, even those who really like sex. There are fluids and weird body parts that never usually see the light of day and it’s disgusting. Personally, I think even the act is kind of… off-putting. Not gross, exactly, but it’s something that makes me feel weird. It doesn’t look sexy.
And it’s not as if it’s just other people that gross me out; I gross myself out too.
So I sound averse if not repulsed, right? But things get complicated when you add in the terms ‘sex favourable’ and ‘sex indifferent’.
Because I have a sex drive. I try to avoid doing anything that grosses me out when I need to shut it up, but I’ll do gross things if there’s no alternative. Just with all my other hygiene issues and fears, I can deal with a certain level of sex grossness if it makes life easier.
Which sounds more sex indifferent, no?
But I also rather like having a sex drive. It’s rather enjoyable. So I’m sex favourable. Of course.
Obviously, none of those feelings invalidate the others – just because I rather like some aspects of sexual activity (ie orgasms), that doesn’t mean I don’t still find it really gross. I feel all of those things.
Why have I (probably) grossed you out with all my being grossed out? To point out that I don’t fit into a box, and neither do most people. I believe it was queenieofaces who suggested lots of subgroups within the ace community that were also open to allos. Which is great – it’s nice to know there are people who feel the same way as you – but is just going to give us the same issue on a smaller scale, really.
What we need to do is stop with the binary statements, in my opinion. If someone talks about asexuals and sex, rather than saying ‘but some asexuals do have sex’, we need to say ‘asexuals are all comfortable with different levels of intimacy, sexual and otherwise’. It sounds pretentious, I suppose, but it’s an option. It doesn’t take away the possibility of not liking sex, it doesn’t take away the possibility of liking sex… basically, it shouldn’t, I hope, alienate anyone. It’s just useful for 101 conversations, but it gets rid (to some extent) the kind of wall between sex-repulsed and sex-indifferent/favourable aces.
It’s a thought.