Originally posted on Tumblr but reposted here for archiving. Please note that my views may have changed since this was written.
I mentioned a few days ago that I wanted to talk about this, and so here I am, talking about this.
I’ve seen a lot of ‘no’ responses to ‘should I come out’, and it’s kind of been bothering me. Of course, nobody ever tells anyone what to do and it may be mainly on AVEN where this happens rather than anywhere else, but I see people say that they’re worried about coming out to their parents or friends or just about anyone, or ask if they should come out, and the majority of responses I see to that are somewhere along the lines of ‘I never did because I didn’t see it as a big deal’.
I’m happy for those people who never felt the need to go through the stress of coming out, I really am; fuck, I’m in awe of the ones who just throw ‘I’m asexual’ out into the world with the same ease as ‘I don’t like sushi’. That’s great. But as a person who sees coming out as kind of a Big Thing, this majority of answers is disheartening. It reminds me of the ‘why do asexuals need visibility/to come out for not having sex’ question – it not only reminds me of it, in fact, but I have on occasion seen ‘your parents don’t need to know about your sex life’ used in the asexual community. It makes me think that I shouldn’t feel like my sexuality is such a big deal. It makes me want to try to explain these opinions to myself; I start thinking, ‘you don’t really want to explain you don’t like the idea of sex to your mum, right? I mean, she’s only going to be interested in who you go out on dates with, not whether you’re doing certain things – even if she is, it’ll be that she’s worried about your heath and safety and that you’re not moving too quickly. If anything you should just use asexuality to explain to your mum that she doesn’t have to worry about you rushing into things sexually. You don’t need to come out.’ And I internalise that sort of idea because I’ve been brought up in a hypersexualised society and I don’t want to have to say anything to anyone because coming out is scary and I’m a wimp.
And you know what? That sucks. It adds to that invisible feeling, and it doesn’t help asexual visibility either if I’m not coming out to anyone. I’m making myself feel shit and not coming out like I want to, and I’m not helping anyone else be more aware of asexuality or even possibly finding that the label fits them. So yeah, if you don’t want to come out or it’s too dangerous for you to then it’s perfectly valid for you to not come out, but can we please add ‘come out if you want to’ onto the list of considerations?