Comments Comments Comments (Part II)

Originally posted on Tumblr but reposted here for archiving. Please note that my views may have changed since this was first written.

[cw: sexual abuse mention]

So I’ve already ranted about one comment, but now I’m writing about a couple of others. So here you go.

‘Don’t want sex? Don’t have it!’

This is the idea that is often expressed as ‘asexuals aren’t oppressed’, which I have to say I’m sick of. I’m sick of people wanting us to try and justify our existence and our right to build community. I don’t care any more if we count as ‘oppressed’. I care that there are people out there who think they’re broken because society as a whole tells them that what they feel or don’t feel is wrong. If you don’t like me talking about it, avoid me. Plain and simple. If you think that we don’t need to fight for the right to ‘not have sex’ – well, I’m glad that our hypersexualised society isn’t affecting you. Go talk to someone else. If you don’t care about asexuality, or really anything that is often about visibility or rights, well, ignore it. You’re not the person I’m trying to talk to, and you clearly don’t want to talk to me. So go away, and stop proving that actually, aces do get harassed. Because look what you’re doing, right this second. Look what you’re doing, look at the nearest television, look at the one article you’ve seen about this topic you don’t give a shit about, and just leave us alone – we want visibility, so leaving us alone is practically taking a stand against us anyways.

‘Why would you force yourself onto someone who wanted sex?’

Some asexual people want sex and are not ‘forcing’ themselves on anyone. Some of us are grossed out by sex to the point where we absolutely can’t do that thank you very much. Some of us just couldn’t care less. We’re a lot of different people with a lot of different views on sex.

Besides that, quite a lot of us still want romantic relationships. Do you know how hard it is to find someone who also wants romantic relationships but doesn’t want sex?* Now look at all the people you’ve ever met and look at how many people you’ve been romantically attracted to. How likely is it that I’m going to find another sex-repulsed ace who has a romantic orientation that means they can be romantically attracted to me, and how likely is it that they’re going to be attracted to me, and vice versa?

It’s rather bloody unlikely. Now look at sex as we often do: not the be-all-and-end-all, but a thing you can do with someone that they can often find fun, like watching a movie. Would not liking movies make me incompatible with a movie-watching person? No. So why should sex, when I otherwise have such a small dating pool?

And actually, you know what? Ignore all that. Ignore it, and look at what you just said, that we ‘force’ ourselves on sexual folks. As if withholding sex is equivalent to forcing it. As if these sexual folks can’t make their own decisions and end relationships that they don’t find fulfilling. You’re babying 99% of the population and implying that not having sex is abuse. You and the previous commenter should exchange notes, because I think you’d find the answers to your questions with each other, instead of making me write about it.

*I realise that these are rather old numbers, but I can’t find the post I was originally going to link to.

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