The Genderqueer Challenge is here.
6. When did you realise you were genderqueer?
As I mentioned in a previous post, my memory is pretty bad (especially for memories around this time) so this isn’t necessarily what happened but it’s how I remember it going.
I started looking into gender when I was 17, going on 18. There was a post going around Tumblr at the time that encouraged cis people to analyse their own feelings about gender, since it would either mean they realised they weren’t cis and understood themselves better, or realised they were definitely cis but had more knowledge and understanding of trans people, misogyny, and things like that.
So, knowing that I’d always been a bit of a ‘tomboy’, I figured it would probably be useful to me to explore gender more. I started, unsurprisingly, by looking through posts on a blog that I’d found through the ace community, which was Anagnori’s blog (now on a possibly-permanent hiatus). They have a trans tag with absolutely loads of useful stuff in it, and I found something in there which caught my eye, which, if I remember correctly, was an anon talking about using certain pronouns to refer to themself by accident. I suddenly remembered that I used to do that too, and that’s when I realised that I was definitely not cis (or at least hadn’t been in the past).
I wanted to go into detail on how I got to where I identify now, rather than just how I started identifying as nonbinary/genderqueer (because I did use the term for myself more often earlier on in my ‘journey’), but honestly after that realisation, my memory gets really fuzzy. Suffice it to say that at some point I began identifying as agender, and then at some point after that (after even more introspection than I’d already put in!), I decided that I definitely had some sort of feeling that I could describe/understand as a gender or genders, and it was just a case of working out what it was. From that point, I’ve flip-flopped between different terms such as genderflux, genderfluid, demigirl and quoigender, before realising that the main, important part of my identity is that I’m nonbinary, even if I’m uncertain of how, exactly, I’m nonbinary, so that’s the term I use the most nowadays.
So that’s a quick run-through of my gender stuff over the last two years, which is weird to think — it simultaneously feels like less and more time than that that I’ve identified as nonbinary.