GQ Challenge: Day 29

The Genderqueer Challenge is here.

Well, it looks like I fell at the last two hurdles! In my defense, I’d simultaneously forgotten how far I’d scheduled to (apparently one day short of the end of a residential on a farm in the middle of nowhere [where I came out to a couple of friends as nonbinary in the most scary and also besides-the-point way ever]), and then had my friends be well-organised enough to plan an event literally just after living on a farm for three days with each other. Plus it was my birthday a few days after that, so I figure I can be at least slightly forgiven for disappearing, although it might not forgive how rusty I am at blogging now. But anyway, on with the post:

29. Some positive genderqueer experiences.

I suppose it depends what is meant by ‘positive genderqueer experiences’? I’ve had positive experiences with coming out (such as my friends last week barely batting an eyelid and also letting me rant a little about my pet subject, gender-based attraction), but I feel like ‘genderqueer experiences’ implies experiences of being genderqueer, rather than experiences related to being genderqueer, if that makes sense?

I think the most positive experience of being genderqueer or nonbinary I’ve had is simply having people respect my gender. I think gender euphoria is probably the best form of positive nonbinary experience. The first time someone uses the right pronouns for you, or refers to you as a ‘person’ instead of a girl or woman or guy or whatever, is so awesome.

Another experience that is positive, I think, is just existing as a nonbinary person at all. Obviously sometimes it really sucks, but every now and again, relating to the world as a nonbinary person feels… special, I guess? I don’t mean that in a ‘special snowflake’ type way so much as that it feels really good to me able to connect to myself fully while I’m also connecting to the world. So, rather than feeling like there’s a gap between who I am and the way I act in the world and so on, everything feels like it matches up and it gives me a real sense of calm. Usually this happens when there’s nobody else around, or when I read fanfiction that (believably, because sometimes it’s very wish-fulfilment-y) has queer characters, especially nonbinary characters, acting in the world as themselves. It always makes me feel really happy to feel this way, because I’m so used to having a very compartmentalised sense of self (ver 1.0: shy person, ver 1.1: shy poet, ver 2.0: angry activist, ver 2.1: queer person, and so on), so it’s nice to feel as if the version of myself that I hide from the most people (ver 2.1) is getting some air time.

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